opulence

"Don't use words too big for the subject. Don't say 'infinitely' when you mean 'very'; otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite."
C. S. Lewis

i had used big words all my life and lavished my tongue with the satisfaction of a well articulated phrase. and now, i had no words large enough to describe the opulent beauty of his eyes. they were downright ostentatious in a way that seemed self-imposed, though logic reminded me it was beyond his control. and yet he knew. somehow, he knew and i hated him for knowing it; even more for using it against me. but still, i loved him. i hated myself for loving him so much and i hated myself for thinking such ridiculous things. i hate myself now for writing that i was thinking such ridiculous things. and yet, i suddenly understood exaggeratingly romantic movies and books. perhaps they weren't exaggerated at all. if any one of those writers were feeling what i was feeling right then, their cliched ramblings were actually quite understated. the ultimate irony was that in loving him, i loved myself because he loved me and held me so dear that i couldn't help but love myself as an extension of my love for him. but i hated him for making me do that...

happiness is just outside my window

so, i've been perusing this blog in contrast with my xanga (the latter of which died quite a long time ago...those were the days:) and i realised that if one happened upon this and did not know me, he/she would probably think i was some depressive, melancholic writer. which sucks, cuz that's not who i am. admittedly, i haven't been thrilled about my st. louis life the past year...or three, but mainly the past year;) and i guess that has come through. and essentially this blog is for me to vent and not really for an audience. but still... things are better this semester. my health issues seem to be virtually over, my classes are going well, i'm getting more involved with church- i've never had more reason to be at peace about StL life- including when God originally commissioned this still-inexplicable path. and my time here is over halfway through, which, bizzarely enough, makes me a little sad. have i used this time to the fullest? have i improved myself, my spiritual life? or have i just gained weight on processed American food and whined about missing home while having shouting matches with God over the things He won't explain? hmm... insert sheepish grin here. the past three years have had some good times, some excruciating heart breaks and a lot- a LOT - of blah moments that were uneventful and seemingly pointless. and as i read through my xanga, i wonder if i was a better person before. was i more joyful, more trusting, more loving and patient? i'm afraid that instead of progressing i've regressed. that's sad... tragic... sinful, even. loneliness has also had a recurring role in my life here. but have i made myself into someone who is deserving of the kind of man i need and want? i have two years left here. two years... i'm not going to waste it, i'm not going to wallow in the losses i've experienced in this place. the worst loss of all would be myself, cuz on a good day, i'm quite proud of that girl. and you would like her, person who's reading this thinking i'm a depressive, melancholic writer. i think you'd be friends. haha... happiness sometimes is a choice. i'll take one in pink, please...