confusion profusion

so confused
so frustrated about being confused
urgh......

thank You

flames

you make me defenseless
you make me senseless
you make me wanna do the things
i shouldn't do
and if i kiss you i know
nothing will ever be the same
but your love's killing me anyway
so let's go down in flames...

thoughts of you

I speak your name in my sleep
I wake just as you're exiting my dreams
And you are always here -
Though you're never here
And I am hopelessly drowned
In thoughts of you
That never come true
And never come to more
Than thoughts of you

opulence

"Don't use words too big for the subject. Don't say 'infinitely' when you mean 'very'; otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite."
C. S. Lewis

i had used big words all my life and lavished my tongue with the satisfaction of a well articulated phrase. and now, i had no words large enough to describe the opulent beauty of his eyes. they were downright ostentatious in a way that seemed self-imposed, though logic reminded me it was beyond his control. and yet he knew. somehow, he knew and i hated him for knowing it; even more for using it against me. but still, i loved him. i hated myself for loving him so much and i hated myself for thinking such ridiculous things. i hate myself now for writing that i was thinking such ridiculous things. and yet, i suddenly understood exaggeratingly romantic movies and books. perhaps they weren't exaggerated at all. if any one of those writers were feeling what i was feeling right then, their cliched ramblings were actually quite understated. the ultimate irony was that in loving him, i loved myself because he loved me and held me so dear that i couldn't help but love myself as an extension of my love for him. but i hated him for making me do that...

happiness is just outside my window

so, i've been perusing this blog in contrast with my xanga (the latter of which died quite a long time ago...those were the days:) and i realised that if one happened upon this and did not know me, he/she would probably think i was some depressive, melancholic writer. which sucks, cuz that's not who i am. admittedly, i haven't been thrilled about my st. louis life the past year...or three, but mainly the past year;) and i guess that has come through. and essentially this blog is for me to vent and not really for an audience. but still... things are better this semester. my health issues seem to be virtually over, my classes are going well, i'm getting more involved with church- i've never had more reason to be at peace about StL life- including when God originally commissioned this still-inexplicable path. and my time here is over halfway through, which, bizzarely enough, makes me a little sad. have i used this time to the fullest? have i improved myself, my spiritual life? or have i just gained weight on processed American food and whined about missing home while having shouting matches with God over the things He won't explain? hmm... insert sheepish grin here. the past three years have had some good times, some excruciating heart breaks and a lot- a LOT - of blah moments that were uneventful and seemingly pointless. and as i read through my xanga, i wonder if i was a better person before. was i more joyful, more trusting, more loving and patient? i'm afraid that instead of progressing i've regressed. that's sad... tragic... sinful, even. loneliness has also had a recurring role in my life here. but have i made myself into someone who is deserving of the kind of man i need and want? i have two years left here. two years... i'm not going to waste it, i'm not going to wallow in the losses i've experienced in this place. the worst loss of all would be myself, cuz on a good day, i'm quite proud of that girl. and you would like her, person who's reading this thinking i'm a depressive, melancholic writer. i think you'd be friends. haha... happiness sometimes is a choice. i'll take one in pink, please...

breakthrough

gravity

"I'd been mistaken that first night when I thought his presence robbed me of breath. It was the opposite. My lungs were so inundated with air, I was overwhelmed by the intense capacity I now had for breathing. It was no longer involuntary, but a distinct task to accomodate the amount of oxygen that flooded into me. It was dizzying as though all my life I'd actually been deprived of an adequate amount and now suddenly, I was feeling true inspiration for the first time. It would take some getting used to for my poor, underdeveloped lungs...

...As I sat there, I felt the miles between us unraveling like a spool of thread. Soon, it would be at its end and this distinct line would just rest there, taught and suspended between us as a perpetual reminder of the distance and what was on the other end."




I'm tired of not being able to breathe.

I'm tired of the thread stretching and pulling more and more.

Come and end my misery.

Now.

something more

i miss you here
though you've never been here
i lack you
as though i ever had you
and when you're gone
a piece of me is missing
a piece of me
that has never been
and i am wishing
that we were
together
as though that could ever be
as though we were already
something more...

run

you're scared of nothing
except the spiders in your mind
you're always wanting
but your desire's are undefined
and you're never
gonna be all that i need
but i think you know this,
yea, i think you know this...

so, run, run
who needs closure?
i can just get over
you on my own
and i could be the one
if you would let me touch your heart
but i'm not faster than the fears
that gave you your head start
so run, run, run

if you want me
you could take me
just don't say 'maybe,'
cuz it hurts more...
than 'no.'

run, run,
who needs closure?
i can just get over
you on my own
and i could be the one
if you would let me touch your heart
but i'm not faster than the fears
that gave you your head start
so, run, run, run
run, run, run
run, run, run
what're you waiting for?

i know you want to
you knew you'd do it in the end
i knew you'd do it in the end
i've just been waiting for you to do
what you do best
run, run, run...

leeds

"God bless that smile on your face

God bless the seeds in the ground

God bless my family's keen gaze,


oh, i know that whatever happens to you,


whatever happens to me,


i hope that i'll fall asleep


knowing that you'll always be


the story with no ending..."

(Lyrics courtesy of Passion Pit:)

is it possible to be depressed in paradise?

There will be no tears, no sadness, no suffering
...no longing.

And here I stand, in earth's private little heaven. Sand outstretched before me to meet the tide which reciprocates with golden fingers flowing from the setting sun. And all I want is for that ocean to swallow me whole, or maybe just engulf me in its passionate embrace; feel the current surge through my being dragging me into its riotous depths. The waves crash against the rocks and I yearn to be those waves, or perhaps the rocks, just to feel something that powerful rush against me; consume me.

Lonely

The word echoes deep within me in rhythm with shore's break of the tide.

Lonely

It washes over me and in me and then yanks away from me only to flood into me seconds later. My chest is a cavernous hole that fills and drains with waves of emotion. How can I not be happy here? Who couldn't be happy here? If I can't be happy here, I won't be happy anywhere. Something is profoundly wrong with me...

too much to ask

all i want is to be loved with reckless abandon.

all i want is for someone to be so secure in my commitment that he allows himself to truly love me to the fullest extent that he is capable.

and i want, in turn, to be given that same security of knowing i can be myself entirely, and exhibit my love entirely, without fear of rejection.

all i want is for someone to be crazy about me and me for him and for us to have that assurance that it is okay to feel what we feel and to show it and indulge in it and succumb to it, because we are equally besotted and neither one of us is going anywhere

...is that too much to ask?

rescue me

the other day i heard a song,
it felt like it was streaming out of me.
there were no words and it still said everything i was feeling...
and i thought,

if i could find a man who made me feel what this song makes me feel,
i'd be done...






the other day, i was watching one of my favourite movies, "Practical Magic"
and this part of the script felt written by me:

"sometimes i feel there is a hole inside of me,
an emptiness that at times seems to burn,
i think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.
in the moon tonight there's a circle around it-
sign of trouble not far behind.
i have this dream of being whole and not going to sleep each night wanting,
but still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing,
i dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for
i just want someone to love me; i want to be seen.
i don't know, maybe i've had my happiness
i don't want to believe it but there is no man,
only that moon..."

the other day i wrote a chorus,
i would rescue you,
if you wanted me to,
but you seem satisfied
with your lonely life,
and i would give my all,
i would take the fall
into love with you,
but you never ask me to...

but then i realised,
my love is always the one that rescues him.
i want someone to sweep into my life and rescue my heart-
my poor, tired, emotionally and physically strained heart - with their love.
can't i be rescued? can't i be fought for? can't i be worth the persistence?

rescue me.
i'm asking you to.

look after my heart, i've left it with you...

better prognosis from this doctor.
praise be.

"I believe You’re my Healer
I believe You are all I need

I believe You’re my Portion
I believe You’re more than enough for me
Jesus, You’re all I need"

....one more test in July.

leylita dreams to melodies of songs that she can barely breathe...

So, i decided to not use my music myspace...at least not that particular one. I created it as a form of creative release. I have this thing about how I have to write in order to get the emotions out of me. They are transferred from the knots in my chest to the page. But then, when it comes to certain works, melodic ones, especially, it's as though the page turns around and starts to suffocate me until the words are released into the abyss. It's like a two fold exorcism. haha... Two summers ago, I was overwhelmed with words. They poured out of me and I thought, if I don't find somewhere else to put them, I may just drown in these. So, I started that site but then people started knowing where it was and while the pressure to 'perform,' so to speak, hastened the conclusion of unfinished works in an appreciated way, I no longer felt as though it was a true abyss since people, who I hadn't even told about it, had found it and were asking, "So when are we going to hear stuff?" That became stiffling...Yes, I realise I easily become stiffled or suffocated or drowned...lol:) That's my annoying artsy side which I do very actively attempt to override in order to function as a member of the general public. But despite feeling the need for release, it all suddenly felt too personal for just anyone. And while the words are not what I'm guarding (words I have no problem with, words have always been my friend) the expression of those words seemed like...nudity. hahaha... And while this is something I have every intention of getting over (I have this thing about actively locating workable flaws and obliterating them to the best of my ability), I'm surprised to find I'm not quite there yet.

So, after months of not even signing in, I tried to delete it. And it didn't delete, which I found weird. However, I decided to just leave it as a rememberence and an inspiration to continue and its persistance to survive shifted from weird/annoying to somewhat charming. So, the particular song that I wrote almost 2 full years ago, which sparked the initiation of the myspace is called Kissable Eyebrows. I sat on the very bed where I lay right now on the 4th of July, 2007 and decided I was going to encapsulate within this one piece of paper all these details of memories I didn't want to lose entirely. And while my life has taken my poems so, so far beyond these feelings in the past two years, this particular one marks a moment, a decision, a pivot. It was a moment where I decided to lay certain memories to an honourable, cherished rest and one where I promised myself that I would not let hurt or circumstance inhibit me from being exactly who I know myself to be deep within - Someone who has strength, not just to survive or subsist, but to use trial to bound me into an even better existence. Someone who can remember the good and not let the bad fester bitterness. Someone who has a creative source within that is limited only by my own mindset. Someone who can find true comfort and consolation in God. And finally, someone who can always love; who can always find it within her to treat each person equally as worthy of love, not holding back from them out of past experience with another. Someone who can always find it within her to love one more time, every time. So, this song has great meaning for the apparent reasons. It's got all these little memories boxed up and wrapped in a bow, like a little gift of nostalgia that I can look at and go, "Ah, isn't that nice? Wasn't that sweet?" But more than that, it reminds me of what was going on in my head and heart the day I spread out on this very comforter and directed my life down the path that has led to who I am now, which in many ways has little to do with the events this song reflects and more to do with who I became after they were truly over. So, while I have hit the recording studio recently, this song has not exited my head and I feel sorry for this little song and feel it has the right to its anonymous audience. I did post it on the now inactive myspace, but as a marker to the beginning of a fresh summer- a summer that seems like a life time away from the 4th of July, 2007- here are the lyrics to my little song.

Kissable Eyebrows

Kissable eyebrows and smiling eyes,
Lips bewitchingly mesmerize,
Sleeping locked up in your embrace,
Perfect hands placed upon my face.

Nights I prayed would never end,
Last bedtime call between best friends,
Sexy nose nuzzled in my ear,
Looks with words that only I could hear.

And I'm sorry I could never freeze time,
If I could, know we'd still be in that night,

So, goodbye brown eyed boy
And all your small town joy,
This is not my story,
No, this is not my story,
But the feeling of your lips
Upon my fingertips
Will go down in glory...
faded glory...
These memories someday will surely fade,
But not today.

Sun that gives blue eyes brown flecks,
Warm breath that chills my neck,
Distance aches between our lips,
Fingertips on fingertips.

You take my breath, then give it back,
Proclaim my beauty like a fact,
I'll always be your pom-pom girl,
Teleport me to your world.

That we could melt together must be true,
Cuz my kisses left pieces of me with you,

Goodbye brown eyed boy
And all your small town joy,
I wish you were my story,
But you're not my story,
Always craved big families,
But I don't play Monopoly,
I am not your story...
I can't be...
These memories someday will surely fade,
But not today.

Pumpkin juice and kissing ears,
Midnight closet phone call tears,
Message beeps and dropped phone calls,
"Not letting go," - despite it all.

Bedroom dancing 'til the dawn,
Cradling me in your arms,
Butterfly and floral gifts,
Comfort that is relative,

God and 'nameless' conversations,
Saying goodnight procrastination,
"You're as pretty as you wanna be,"
These things have meant the world to me.

Here's something that I'm pretty sure you knew:
Boy - I have been in love with you...

So, goodbye brown eyed boy
And all your small town joy,
You are not my story -
And I am not your baby,
We'll always have astronomy
And the times you sang to me
Will forever be our story,
These things are our story.

Goodbye my brown eyed boy,
With all your small town joy,
I wish you were my story,
I wish...
Someday I'll have a family,
But I can't play Monopoly,
And the feeling of your lips,
Upon my fingertips
Will go down in glory...
faded glory...
Oh, these memories someday will surely fade,
It's sad to know these memories could fade,
I dread the day these memories shall fade...

....Just not today.

heart murmur

in good times and bad
i will praise You
when happy or sad
You're the One who
provides my every need
and reminds me to believe
You're in control...
and there's no "Impossible..."

succumb

you make me weak,
you make me weak
i try to speak and I find my lips are
otherwise
occupied
cuz you make me weak

you summon me
by the silent plea
of your darkened eyes
when they gaze in mine
they hypnotize me
cuz you make me weak

how much longer can you deny
that you are mine?
cuz, babe, i know that i...
i know
that i make you weak















you look at me and, wow,
i can hardly breathe
it's so hard to take
you intimidate
and my soul shakes but keep
looking at me
please, look at me
cuz there's no place i'd rather be
than here

i won't fight or hide
or try to lie
to myself anymore
oh, anymore...
cuz i love
how you make me weak.

still.

i dreamed of you and me
and a love that burned so strong,
it lit the day.
i wished that we could be,
so hard i thought my will
would light the way.

but every thing you lacked
was more
than all you thought your heart desired,
and every time i took you back
my tears
had already dampened our fire.

gone, gone, gone...
we finally reached that day,
so now i'm gone, gone, gone,
i ran out of reasons to stay.
but i took the best of you -
he IS the best of you.
and now, what's left of you
makes me wonder why i stayed...
why did i stay?

yearning...

...for
inspiration,
creative outlets,
sensory stimulation,
vibrance,
romance,
the countryside,
a mountainside,
a full blown fit of laughter,
a new start,
a do-over on some old starts,
an afternoon nap,
an up-all-night-just-talking-about-everything&nothing sesh,
a kiss that begs nothing more,
emersion in His presence,
me-ness...to feel like me again, for the first real time...