relief

so i'm home for christmas and despite missing my sister and katy! and wishing they were here, i'm good. this time last year i was anxious and christmas sucked for several reasons. it seemed like every which way i turned i could not find relief. i just finished a semester where i couldn't give a crap about what i was doing and yet i just found out my grades were not too shabby. how did that happen? only God.

i'm strangely hopeful about the new year. not that i'm not normally hopeful every new year, you'd just think by now i'd have learned my frickin lesson. i remain hopelessly hopeful though nothing ever turns out the way you hope, closure is rarely found in any satisfactory way and despite the best of intentions, new year's resolutions are never kept. except this year, i think they were. i only really had three things beyond being a good mother, which doesn't really count as a new year's resolution so much as a daily resolution.

1. to finish up all the lyrics to the only album i've ever made with any organized intention. check! 2. to not finish the year the way i was starting it. i rang in the new year with friends i don't have now and i think i knew at the time that would be true. in fact, i even wrote that to another friend, a still current friend, on december 31st, 2007. it felt somewhat hypocritical but i decided to give it one last effort and when it didn't work, i, for the first time, truly moved on. shocker. resolution 2- check! 3. i decided not to date in 2008. handy that it happened to rhyme like that. and not just not date, cuz depending on the year, that might not be an effort, but intentionally not date. 2007 was a bizarre year for me romantically and i decided that i should take one full year out of my life to realign my emotional spine. and i think that i did. it took delving into my problems a little more which was often painful. it took going to the absolute brink where i questioned if i was even capable of loving again and was scared to find that on certain days, i truly believed i wasn't. it took asking myself why exactly it was i had trust issues- and the answers ended up being much more deeply rooted than i had hoped. but i feel like i have come through something. and despite entertaining the idea of a guy...or two;)...that i know, i felt very certainly that i wasn't free just yet. i felt like nothing would be right until it was...right. i've had really lonely days but i needed them to find God in the void. resolution 3-check!

my resolution for 2009- for it to be the year that changes my life; the year where i achieve what i've been putting off; the year where i take what i've been through and apply it to the best version of me. Bring it on...