lonely

so, here's the truth:

i'm lonely.

i wish i could say i weren't. i wish i could proclaim that i'm this super-independent woman who doesn't need a man- the woman i always believed myself to be. but i read something recently about how even if one is courageous, the continual, unrelenting necessity for courage can eventually be destructive to the individual. and sometimes, i feel that's me. i've been strong for so long, i'm wiped out. i brought my son out tonight to a christmas festival in this cute area of town. it was great- we saw santa and a real reindeer and had hot chocolate. then we went to have dinner and i saw this family at the next table. a father, mother and three kids. at one point, the mother and daughter got up to go see the christmas attractions leaving the father, his toddler son and the baby who was calmly resting in his baby carrier. the father had his little son on his lap and was playing with and tickling him and laughing. my son turned around and saw this rapport and decided he wanted to come sit on my lap as well. i held him and asked, "do you ever miss your daddy?" No was the reply followed by, "...except sometimes when i do." my heart broke. i realised this isn't just about my own romantic loneliness or the fact that the reason it takes two people to make a child is because it takes at least two to raise one and i'm perpetually left with the responsibility of a two-person job. this is also about the fact that my son is old enough to realise he doesn't have a man around. i don't just want a boyfriend, though i miss kissing like crazy! i want a family unit. i want to offer mutual security. i want someone to get into bed with at night and not know that i am the only adult offering safety to my entire house. i want someone to pray with me and claim God's blessings for our family. i want someone who has at least some of the answers to my son's questions that i don't. i want someone bigger than me to carry the flippin' christmas tree up the frickin' basement stairs! i want someone who is there with me the three times i've had to take my son to the doctor this week, if only to carry our coats so i'm not doing that while carrying him AND fishing around in my purse for a health insurance card.

i had a discussion with some friends this week, one of whom is training to be a dominican priest. we were talking about the sacrifice he's made to never have a partner. i said how being alone really challenges your intimacy with God. we all say that God is all we need and believe it's true, but actually implementing that truth is harder. these past few years God has been the only husband i have had to turn to; the only father my son has had to supplement what i am not as a mother- and i know He's done a better job than the biological one could have ever done. but i have really had to ask myself if i can allow God to supply ALL my needs- not just financially, but emotionally, spiritually and even romantically. am i willing to let Him fill the void that is in my heart? and something i've learned from those who are in relationships is this- no human is ever going to be everything you need. so if you cannot learn to go to God for what you need, you will be expecting this person to be something that only God has the full capability to be. so really, learning to let God be what you need is the only way to be satisfied with someone else for that which they CAN be to you. whatever they can't is God's job and it is unfair to expect everything of them. i realised as i listened to myself say these things that i haven't entirely practiced what i preach. maybe i'm still single because God knows i am capable of reaching this point with Him and He's just not going to impart me to someone else until i get this right.

so i'm not entirely lonely- much less so than those who don't know God or have the relationship with Him that i do. but sometimes, at the end of a long day with a cranky child that won't go to sleep i just have that moment of wishing someone else were here. i know that He is...but a tangible hug from someone who isn't 3 feet tall would be so nice right about now...