So, i decided to not use my music myspace...at least not that particular one. I created it as a form of creative release. I have this thing about how I have to write in order to get the emotions out of me. They are transferred from the knots in my chest to the page. But then, when it comes to certain works, melodic ones, especially, it's as though the page turns around and starts to suffocate me until the words are released into the abyss. It's like a two fold exorcism. haha... Two summers ago, I was overwhelmed with words. They poured out of me and I thought, if I don't find somewhere else to put them, I may just drown in these. So, I started that site but then people started knowing where it was and while the pressure to 'perform,' so to speak, hastened the conclusion of unfinished works in an appreciated way, I no longer felt as though it was a true abyss since people, who I hadn't even told about it, had found it and were asking, "So when are we going to hear stuff?" That became stiffling...Yes, I realise I easily become stiffled or suffocated or drowned...lol:) That's my annoying artsy side which I do very actively attempt to override in order to function as a member of the general public. But despite feeling the need for release, it all suddenly felt too personal for just anyone. And while the words are not what I'm guarding (words I have no problem with, words have always been my friend) the expression of those words seemed like...nudity. hahaha... And while this is something I have every intention of getting over (I have this thing about actively locating workable flaws and obliterating them to the best of my ability), I'm surprised to find I'm not quite there yet.
So, after months of not even signing in, I tried to delete it. And it didn't delete, which I found weird. However, I decided to just leave it as a rememberence and an inspiration to continue and its persistance to survive shifted from weird/annoying to somewhat charming. So, the particular song that I wrote almost 2 full years ago, which sparked the initiation of the myspace is called Kissable Eyebrows. I sat on the very bed where I lay right now on the 4th of July, 2007 and decided I was going to encapsulate within this one piece of paper all these details of memories I didn't want to lose entirely. And while my life has taken my poems so, so far beyond these feelings in the past two years, this particular one marks a moment, a decision, a pivot. It was a moment where I decided to lay certain memories to an honourable, cherished rest and one where I promised myself that I would not let hurt or circumstance inhibit me from being exactly who I know myself to be deep within - Someone who has strength, not just to survive or subsist, but to use trial to bound me into an even better existence. Someone who can remember the good and not let the bad fester bitterness. Someone who has a creative source within that is limited only by my own mindset. Someone who can find true comfort and consolation in God. And finally, someone who can always love; who can always find it within her to treat each person equally as worthy of love, not holding back from them out of past experience with another. Someone who can always find it within her to love one more time, every time. So, this song has great meaning for the apparent reasons. It's got all these little memories boxed up and wrapped in a bow, like a little gift of nostalgia that I can look at and go, "Ah, isn't that nice? Wasn't that sweet?" But more than that, it reminds me of what was going on in my head and heart the day I spread out on this very comforter and directed my life down the path that has led to who I am now, which in many ways has little to do with the events this song reflects and more to do with who I became after they were truly over. So, while I have hit the recording studio recently, this song has not exited my head and I feel sorry for this little song and feel it has the right to its anonymous audience. I did post it on the now inactive myspace, but as a marker to the beginning of a fresh summer- a summer that seems like a life time away from the 4th of July, 2007- here are the lyrics to my little song.
Kissable Eyebrows
Kissable eyebrows and smiling eyes,
Lips bewitchingly mesmerize,
Sleeping locked up in your embrace,
Perfect hands placed upon my face.
Nights I prayed would never end,
Last bedtime call between best friends,
Sexy nose nuzzled in my ear,
Looks with words that only I could hear.
And I'm sorry I could never freeze time,
If I could, know we'd still be in that night,
So, goodbye brown eyed boy
And all your small town joy,
This is not my story,
No, this is not my story,
But the feeling of your lips
Upon my fingertips
Will go down in glory...
faded glory...
These memories someday will surely fade,
But not today.
Sun that gives blue eyes brown flecks,
Warm breath that chills my neck,
Distance aches between our lips,
Fingertips on fingertips.
You take my breath, then give it back,
Proclaim my beauty like a fact,
I'll always be your pom-pom girl,
Teleport me to your world.
That we could melt together must be true,
Cuz my kisses left pieces of me with you,
Goodbye brown eyed boy
And all your small town joy,
I wish you were my story,
But you're not my story,
Always craved big families,
But I don't play Monopoly,
I am not your story...
I can't be...
These memories someday will surely fade,
But not today.
Pumpkin juice and kissing ears,
Midnight closet phone call tears,
Message beeps and dropped phone calls,
"Not letting go," - despite it all.
Bedroom dancing 'til the dawn,
Cradling me in your arms,
Butterfly and floral gifts,
Comfort that is relative,
God and 'nameless' conversations,
Saying goodnight procrastination,
"You're as pretty as you wanna be,"
These things have meant the world to me.
Here's something that I'm pretty sure you knew:
Boy - I have been in love with you...
So, goodbye brown eyed boy
And all your small town joy,
You are not my story -
And I am not your baby,
We'll always have astronomy
And the times you sang to me
Will forever be our story,
These things are our story.
Goodbye my brown eyed boy,
With all your small town joy,
I wish you were my story,
I wish...
Someday I'll have a family,
But I can't play Monopoly,
And the feeling of your lips,
Upon my fingertips
Will go down in glory...
faded glory...
Oh, these memories someday will surely fade,
It's sad to know these memories could fade,
I dread the day these memories shall fade...
....Just not today.
