is it possible to be depressed in paradise?

There will be no tears, no sadness, no suffering
...no longing.

And here I stand, in earth's private little heaven. Sand outstretched before me to meet the tide which reciprocates with golden fingers flowing from the setting sun. And all I want is for that ocean to swallow me whole, or maybe just engulf me in its passionate embrace; feel the current surge through my being dragging me into its riotous depths. The waves crash against the rocks and I yearn to be those waves, or perhaps the rocks, just to feel something that powerful rush against me; consume me.

Lonely

The word echoes deep within me in rhythm with shore's break of the tide.

Lonely

It washes over me and in me and then yanks away from me only to flood into me seconds later. My chest is a cavernous hole that fills and drains with waves of emotion. How can I not be happy here? Who couldn't be happy here? If I can't be happy here, I won't be happy anywhere. Something is profoundly wrong with me...

too much to ask

all i want is to be loved with reckless abandon.

all i want is for someone to be so secure in my commitment that he allows himself to truly love me to the fullest extent that he is capable.

and i want, in turn, to be given that same security of knowing i can be myself entirely, and exhibit my love entirely, without fear of rejection.

all i want is for someone to be crazy about me and me for him and for us to have that assurance that it is okay to feel what we feel and to show it and indulge in it and succumb to it, because we are equally besotted and neither one of us is going anywhere

...is that too much to ask?

rescue me

the other day i heard a song,
it felt like it was streaming out of me.
there were no words and it still said everything i was feeling...
and i thought,

if i could find a man who made me feel what this song makes me feel,
i'd be done...






the other day, i was watching one of my favourite movies, "Practical Magic"
and this part of the script felt written by me:

"sometimes i feel there is a hole inside of me,
an emptiness that at times seems to burn,
i think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.
in the moon tonight there's a circle around it-
sign of trouble not far behind.
i have this dream of being whole and not going to sleep each night wanting,
but still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing,
i dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for
i just want someone to love me; i want to be seen.
i don't know, maybe i've had my happiness
i don't want to believe it but there is no man,
only that moon..."

the other day i wrote a chorus,
i would rescue you,
if you wanted me to,
but you seem satisfied
with your lonely life,
and i would give my all,
i would take the fall
into love with you,
but you never ask me to...

but then i realised,
my love is always the one that rescues him.
i want someone to sweep into my life and rescue my heart-
my poor, tired, emotionally and physically strained heart - with their love.
can't i be rescued? can't i be fought for? can't i be worth the persistence?

rescue me.
i'm asking you to.

look after my heart, i've left it with you...

better prognosis from this doctor.
praise be.

"I believe You’re my Healer
I believe You are all I need

I believe You’re my Portion
I believe You’re more than enough for me
Jesus, You’re all I need"

....one more test in July.